After navigating the modern dating desert, it is natural to develop contempt for social comparison. Dating apps force you to stand out, meaning you cannot just be yourself; you have to sell yourself as more attractive than the 50,000 sexy singles in your area. Standing out and knowing you are being compared to others can be exhausting. But after swiping right, matching, and establishing a lasting romantic relationship, surely social comparisons are far behind you... wrong. [2]
This illusion is far from reality. Research suggests that we compare ourselves to romantic partners more often than to anyone else in our lives—on average several times per day. In my studies, I have attempted to decipher these daily partner comparisons to understand: what kind of people make comparisons with their partners, and why? The answer seems to depend on the type of comparisons partners make: whether based on our unique abilities or on the opinions we hold. Good news: comparisons can offer learning opportunities and even bring us closer as partners. [2]
Many comparisons with a partner revolve around the idea of who is better at a certain activity, known as 'skill-based comparisons.' These comparisons can range from trivial (Who is better at bowling?) to serious (Who is the better parent?). In our most recent study, along with collaborators Robin Edelstein and Stephen Garcia, we analyzed patterns among those who make more such skill-based comparisons. We surveyed over 1,100 U.S. adults in romantic relationships, asking them questions about how regularly they compare themselves with their partner. For example, one question asked: “To what extent are you mindful of how you do things relative to how significantly the other half does them?” Participants also completed measures of self-esteem, relationship quality, and demographic data. [2]
The results were clear: younger individuals, those with lower self-esteem, and those in shorter and less satisfying relationships were particularly prone to making skill-based comparisons. Gay men reported making more such comparisons than any other gender pairings, but we only surveyed 37 gay men, so take this result with a grain of salt. [2]
A second type of comparison involves judging judgments and attitudes—known as 'opinion-based comparisons.' In these comparisons, people evaluate their own opinions by comparing them with those of their partners. For example, before excitedly closing a major purchase, a partner might wonder: “Would my partner consider this a good deal?” Similar considerations may arise in contexts such as voting, child-rearing, or anywhere judgments lead to decisions. [2]
When it came to who was most prone to making opinion-based comparisons, our results flipped: these were most common among people in longer and more satisfying relationships. [2]
Taken together, these individual characteristics form two portraits of those who frequently compare themselves with their partner. The first portrait is that of a young, insecure partner in a new relationship, uncertain whether it will work. Think of Bella Swan from Twilight, who constantly worries whether Edward is too good for her. And indeed, when we asked participants why they make comparisons with their partners, two of their reasons included evaluating fairness and predicting the trajectory of the relationship. For example, participants grappled with questions like: “Am I doing for her as much as she does for me?”. [2]
The second portrait is of someone in a long-term relationship who respects their partner’s knowledge and expertise and seeks to leverage this as a tool for growth and decision-making. For this, think of Leslie Knope from Parks and Recreation, who regularly compares her own judgments with those of her long-time office spouse, Ann Perkins, as a means of making better decisions. This theme also stood out among participants. For example, one participant wrote lovingly about how their partner eclipsed them in most areas, and this dynamic continuously inspires them to grow. [2]
But comparing oneself to a partner is not limited to these two portraits. Although these portraits describe those who compare most frequently, we found that most people make some comparisons occasionally. What motivates occasional comparators? The two most common reasons for comparing oneself with a partner were striving to gain a deeper understanding of oneself and the partner. Regarding self-assessment, one participant shared that they regularly compare themselves with their partner because comparison helps them monitor progress toward goals. Want to know if your cooking class paid dividends? One of the best ways to assess your growth is to see if your next meal can delight your family in the same way your partner’s cooking always does. [2]
Comparisons with a partner can also help you understand your partner’s quirks, which we call partner evaluation. For example, one participant shared how she compares her own growth with that of her partner, which helps her understand why her partner thinks, feels, and behaves so differently from her. [2]
It is no secret that social comparison can sting. No parent wants to hear “Mom likes me more,” and no newlywed wants to hear “How did you land that hunk?” In our studies, we find that comparisons with a partner are often forced upon those who would prefer not to be compared. It may be true what they say, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” [2]
But comparison does more than press your emotional buttons. Comparisons with a partner help you assess your relationship and calibrate your behavior, such as how you divide household chores. They allow you to make important decisions, such as who should take responsibility for responsibilities. They serve as sources of growth and teach you about yourself and your partner. [2]
Comparing yourself with your partner is not necessarily a sign that something is wrong. Rather, comparison with a partner can be a practical strategy for making sense of your social world. The key is to use it as an instrument that stays in its place, rather than letting it undermine your self-worth or relationship. [2]
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