Esmée, a 25-year-old woman from the Netherlands, recently shared her personal account of undergoing an abortion in April after facing an unexpected pregnancy. Despite having harbored a lifelong desire for children, she determined that her personal circumstances—including the instability of her partner and her lack of a stable foundation—made raising a child unfeasible. Her decision resulted in a prolonged period of intense grief, guilt, and mourning, which she now seeks to discuss openly to alleviate the isolation felt by other women who have undergone similar experiences. [1]
When Esmée discovered her pregnancy in April, she was dealing with the recent end of a romantic involvement that had moved beyond casual dating but lacked official status. The discovery came two weeks after the relationship ended, triggering an immediate panic response and an initial impulse to terminate the pregnancy. However, she experienced significant internal conflict, noting that she works in childcare and is often described by her family as a ‘natural mother.’ This contradiction between her deep-seated longing for motherhood and her decision to terminate the pregnancy caused substantial psychological distress. [1]
After taking two days to deliberate, Esmée initially told her family she intended to keep the baby, believing she could manage it alone. However, she ultimately recognized that the father could not provide a stable environment due to his chaotic lifestyle. She did not want her child to grow up in such uncertainty. The evening before traveling to the clinic, she was overwhelmed by sorrow, crying in the shower and apologizing to her unborn child, a memory she describes as unforgettable. The procedure took place at five and a half weeks of pregnancy. During the ultrasound, she experienced a complex mix of pride at her first pregnancy and profound grief, knowing it would likely be her last time seeing her child. She had mentally prepared herself not to terminate the pregnancy if a heartbeat was detected, but due to the early stage of gestation, none was visible. [1]
The abortion was induced medically, resulting in severe physical symptoms including intense cramping and vomiting, followed by approximately two weeks of bleeding. Each instance of bleeding served as a visceral reminder of the loss. Psychologically, Esmée faced a heavy aftermath that extended beyond the physical recovery. She reports being sad every day, rejecting societal dismissals that minimized the loss because the fetus was small. To her, the loss was real and significant, even without a visible heartbeat. This led to overwhelming guilt, particularly when comparing her choice to other women who struggle with infertility. She admits it remains difficult for her to feel completely affirmed in her decision, stating, “I’m still finding it difficult to say that I’m 100 percent behind my choice. I know why I made that decision, but that doesn’t make the sadness any less.” [1]
Attempting to escape her emotions, Esmée traveled to Ibiza a month after the procedure, but found herself unable to cope. She entered a survival mode characterized by panic attacks, insomnia, and depression. Activities she normally enjoyed, including sports, became burdensome obligations, leaving her with a desire simply to stay in bed. Two months post-procedure, she sought professional help, eventually connecting with a therapist through her general practitioner. She began EMDR therapy to address intrusive visual memories of the ultrasound and the medication intake. Additionally, her therapist recommended the podcast “Grief after Self-Chosen Pregnancy Loss,” which helped validate her feelings and normalize her experience of grief. [1]
During her treatment, Esmée wrote a farewell letter to her unborn child, explaining her reasons for the decision. This act provided some relief from her guilt. Despite the strong support from her mother and friends, she encountered misunderstanding from others. One family member advised her to move on, causing her pain by implying her mourning was excessive. She emphasizes that grief cannot be rushed or dictated by others and urges people to check in on those who have experienced loss, noting that simply listening is invaluable. She highlights that not everyone has such a strong support network. [1]
Looking ahead, Esmée anticipates difficulty around her expected due date in December and believes that both that day and the day she discovered her pregnancy will remain confrontational anniversaries annually. She acknowledges that the experience has fundamentally changed her as a person and doubts she will ever return to who she was before. However, she is slowly regaining hope. Initially, she believed she did not deserve to be a mother, but she has since learned to tell herself she deserves happiness. She continues to hope her desire for motherhood will eventually be fulfilled from a healthy foundation. She concludes with a message to other women struggling with similar feelings: grief is valid, shame is unnecessary, and sometimes one must simply learn to live with the loss. [1]
Through her interview with LINDA.meiden, Esmée aims to help other women facing post-abortion emotional struggles feel less isolated in their experiences. [1]
The evening before Esmée went to the abortion clinic, she was overcome by sadness. “I stood crying under the shower and said sorry to my baby. Sorry that I have to let you go. I would so like to offer you more. That moment I will never forget.” [1]
The following day, she went to the clinic accompanied by her mother and best friend. At the time, she was five and a half weeks pregnant. “During the ultrasound I broke down. On the one hand, I felt proud because it was my first pregnancy. At the same time, there was so much sadness. I knew that this would be the first and last time I would see my baby. I had agreed with myself beforehand that I would not end the pregnancy if a beating heart were already visible. That was not the case, because it was still so early in the pregnancy.” [1]
She discussed her doubts with the doctor. “Actually, I knew that the conditions were not good to raise a child, but my feelings were heavily opposing that decision. It felt as if the situation was forcing me to make this choice, while my heart wanted something else. Even though it was my own decision.” [1]
The aftermath was not limited to physical consequences. Esmée also faced an emotional toll. “I was sad every day. People would sometimes say: it was still very small? But it doesn’t feel that way. To me, it was my baby, even though it didn’t have a heartbeat on the ultrasound. I was mourning someone I never knew AND would never get to know.” [1]
She also felt an immense amount of guilt. “There are so many women who cannot have children, and I chose to end my pregnancy. I had a lot of regret. Therefore, I still find it difficult to say that I stand 100 percent behind my choice. I know why I made that decision, but that doesn’t make the sadness any less.” [1]
A month after the abortion, Esmée traveled to Ibiza, hoping to find some distraction. “I noticed that I was trying to push my feelings away. I was going further into survival mode and experiencing panic attacks, sleepless nights, and bouts of gloom. Even exercising, which I usually enjoy, didn’t work anymore. At some point, everything felt like an obligation, even the fun things. I actually just wanted to lie in bed.” [1]
Two months after the abortion, Esmée decided to seek help. Through the practice supporter at her GP’s office, she eventually ended up with a therapist. “I remained stuck in my sadness. I also kept having images in my head of the ultrasound and the moment I had to take the first pill. Therefore, I started EMDR therapy. That helped me immensely, just as the conversations with my therapist.” [1]
During her treatment, Esmée also wrote a farewell letter to her unborn child. “I explained why I made this choice. Somehow it felt as if I could finally explain myself. That slightly relieved my sense of guilt.” [1]
She continues: “I was also recommended the podcast Grief after Self-Chosen Pregnancy Loss by my therapist. In it, it was well explained what feelings you can experience after an abortion. It was nice to hear that I am not the only one struggling with this. That my sadness is not exaggerated and that such a decision can have a huge impact.” [1]
Although Esmée received a lot of support from her mother and friends, she noted that not everyone understood her grief. “A family member said at some point that I should have gotten over it by now. That hurt. Of course, I also wouldn’t have wished for anything more than to be happy and move on with my life, but it doesn’t work that way. You can’t decide how long someone is allowed to mourn for you.” [1]
According to the twenty-something, it is important that those around her provide space for conversations. “My friends and mother supported me enormously. They understood how big my desire for children is. But not everyone has such a safety net. Therefore, ask someone how they are doing even after a longer period. Just listening can mean an awful lot.” [1]
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