A story described by psychologists John Gottman and Joan DeClaire in the book 'The Relationship Cure' well illustrates a common problem in long-term relationships: Phil and Tina had not had sex for six months. Initially, Phil was the one who initiated physical intimacy, such as kissing the base of the neck or caressing the abdomen, gestures that were warmly received in the near past. However, recently, Tina no longer responded, and dissatisfaction with rejection ultimately led Phil to give up his initiative, even though he loved his wife and feared for the future of their marriage. [1]
The situation of the two did not arise suddenly, but was the result of accumulating external stress and faulty communication. Tina’s company was undergoing a period of major reorganization, keeping her constantly tense and exhausted. When she came home, she was overwhelmed with anxiety and needed silence. Phil's effort to console her through touch was interpreted by Tina as additional pressure. She feared that if she did not respond immediately with enthusiasm, she would hurt Phil. For this reason, both partners began to withdraw: she to avoid the anxiety of abandonment, and he to protect his pride from rejection. [1]
Gottman calls any attempt at emotional or physical connection a 'bid' (an attempt to bond). Initiating sex is also such a gesture. The partner's response indicates whether there is interest in communication and intimacy. Even in marriages considered satisfactory, after repeated failure of such attempts, partners become reluctant to try again. The distance between them grows gradually, one complaining about lack of attention, while the other notices the disappearance of touch. [1]
Due to the high vulnerability involved, partners often cannot verbalize the feeling of sexual rejection. It is easier to complain about lack of sexual activity than to admit the fear of asking for something again. Moreover, the refusing partner also has their own story supported by external factors or emotional states, which the other partner may not fully know. People can experience the greatest loneliness in a relationship without it being heard. [1]
To discuss sexual rejection, Gottman recommends a gentle and positive approach. Instead of accusing the partner of no longer showing affection, he suggests recalling a moment when one felt pleasantly touched and requesting the same. Thus, the partner hears what was pleasing and what is expected now, without being put in a defensive position. The person desiring more intimacy can express feelings and needs without making the partner feel obligated to have sex. [1]
At the same time, Gottman specifies that there should be no negative consequences when a partner says 'no'. Some partners may use sulking or anger as a response to refusal, which leads others to fear addressing the subject in the future. For the one refusing, Gottman recommends ensuring that love and attraction exist, even when there is no immediate sexual desire. It is important to be able to discuss how to refuse politely and how to accept refusal without turning entry into a judgment on the entire relationship. [1]
To navigate these situations, couples can use simple questions: How do you want me to know that you desire sex? What helps you feel at ease when saying no? How can I tell you that I'm not in the mood without believing that I am personally rejecting you? After Phil and Tina began talking openly with the help of a therapist, they realized how much each suffered from this distance. She admitted that she too missed intimacy, and he acknowledged that he didn't know that, explaining that she had never told him. The direct approach, without blame, was the first step toward healing. [1]
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