In the Netherlands, childhoods are shaped by distinctive traditions, and the balance between strict upbringing and modern indulgence often sparks debate within households. Caroline Beerkens, a 37-year-old child therapist and mother of three, uses these everyday moments to explore the nuances of parenting. Her recent observations stem from a familiar Dutch autumn ritual: Saint Martin’s Day. As the children sang their traditional song—at least one hundred and twenty times—the result was a massive pile of candy dumped onto the table. [1]
The household dynamics became immediately apparent in how the siblings reacted to the haul. Josh, having grown up in a 'free school' environment where sweets were rare treats reserved for special occasions, viewed the mountain of sugar with visible apprehension. To him, licorice was once a luxury, raisins a prize, and a mandarin orange a significant indulgence. Beerkens, conversely, has a more relaxed approach to sugar. While she does not keep sweets as a staple in her home, she believes that on occasions like Saint Martin’s Day, the children deserve to enjoy the spoils of their labor. [1]
This disparity highlighted a common parental dilemma: the assumption that one’s own methods of upbringing are naturally correct. Beerkens notes how parents often find themselves at odds with their partners over seemingly trivial matters, such as the volume of candy consumed, rarely realizing that these disagreements mask deeper differences in parenting philosophies. [1]
Beerkens identifies a critical gap in co-parenting communication. When couples bring children into the world, the immediate focus tends to fall on logistical concerns: names, sleeping arrangements, and career adjustments. Far less attention is paid to the fundamental question of *how* the children should be raised. Issues regarding screen time, dietary boundaries, and behavioral limits often remain unaddressed until the parents are already in the thick of the struggle, revealing themselves through conflict rather than prior consensus. [1]
Every parent carries their own upbringing into the new dynamic, unconsciously integrating both the positive aspects they cherished and the negative experiences they vowed never to replicate. Yet, Beerkens observes the irony that parents frequently find themselves repeating the very phrases they once despised in their own parents. The phenomenon of hearing one's mother's voice emerge from one's own mouth as they discipline their own children is a recurring theme in her professional practice. [1]
As a child therapist, Beerkens regularly encounters couples who are fully committed to their child’s well-being but hold vastly different views on what constitutes best practice. While total agreement is neither possible nor necessary, friction arises when parents attempt to convince each other that their specific method is superior. She admits that she is not immune to this tendency, often finding herself trying to justify her own approach. [1]
To mitigate these conflicts, Beerkens recommends a structured exercise for co-parents. She suggests sitting down together, perhaps with wine or tea, and using a large sheet of paper to outline core parenting values. Parents are encouraged to write down what they wish to impart to their children, what they enjoyed about their own childhood, what they intend to do differently, and, crucially, which rules they follow out of habit rather than conscious choice. [1]
The exercise serves to highlight that what feels normal to one partner may be completely alien to the other. One parent may have been forced to finish every plate of food, while the other always received dessert. One household may have avoided discussing emotions entirely, while another prioritized open dialogue. Recognizing the origin of these contrasting beliefs can prevent unnecessary conflict. [1]
The goal of such discussions is not necessarily to reach identical conclusions on every issue, but to foster understanding of where the partner’s convictions originate. Often, parents discover that despite their surface-level disagreements, they align significantly on the matters that truly matter for their child’s development. [1]
Amidst the serious discussions of upbringing and familial harmony, Beerkens maintains a humorous perspective on the rituals that bind families together. She concludes that after singing the same song a hundred and twenty times, one certainly earns the right to at least one Snickers and one Mars bar—a small, sweet reward for enduring the tradition. [1]
Beerkens invites readers to stay updated with weekly insights from Linda mini by subscribing to their newsletter. [1]
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