Psychologist Antoni Bolinches and writer Francesc Miralles recently addressed the complex mechanics of human attachment in another episode of the podcast VERDADES (in)CÓMODAS, focusing on the distinction between reciprocal and symmetric love. While the pair previously explored the shifting nature of family structures and the rise of 'chosen families,' this session delved deeper into the specific psychology of breakups and the inherent asymmetry present in both romantic and platonic bonds. [1]
The episode highlights the profound psychological impact of unexplained separation. Miralles emphasizes the necessity of clarity, stating that withholding reasons for a breakup significantly hinders the grieving process. Bolinches expands on this by identifying rejection as a dual wound: it is not only the loss of an affectionate bond but also a direct blow to self-esteem. When individuals feel unwanted, they often internalize the rejection as a verdict on their own worthiness, interpreting the absence of love as proof that they are unlovable. This transforms the end of a relationship into a harsh judgment on the self. [1]
A central thesis of the discussion is the disparity between reciprocity and symmetry in relationships. Bolinches explains that while love and friendship are typically mutual—both parties care for one another—they rarely possess equal intensity or commitment. This asymmetry dictates the power dynamics within the connection: the partner who loves the least holds the most power. Because this individual has less to lose and fears separation less, they ultimately control the direction and stability of the relationship. [1]
The dialogue also critiques the sociolinguistic deficit regarding platonic intimacy. Bolinches notes that society possesses a robust vocabulary for navigating romantic partnerships, yet lacks the necessary terms to articulate the depth of true friendship. To bridge this gap, he introduces the concept of 'friends of the soul' (amigos del alma). This phrase is used to capture the intense affective dimension of certain friendships that exceeds casual social interaction and approaches the depth of spiritual companionship. [1]
Defining the 'friend of the soul,' Bolinches describes these connections as 'karmic.' Such friendships are formed between individuals who share deep synchronicity in their core values, ethical principles, intelligence levels, and fields of interest. This alignment goes beyond surface-level hobbies; it represents a fundamental congruence in how individuals perceive the world and navigate existence, creating a bond that feels predetermined or destined due to its rarity and depth. [1]
Finally, the hosts discuss the sustainability of these high-synchronicity bonds. Bolinches argues that it is exceptionally difficult for people with vastly different interests to maintain a lasting friendship. Alongside shared interests, he identifies 'relational comfort' as a critical component. True intimacy allows an individual to be completely themselves in the presence of another without feeling the need to perform, adapt, or change to preserve the other’s affection. This unconditional acceptance is presented as a fundamental requirement for enduring connection. [1]
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