Psychologists emphasize that while honesty is necessary when discussing broken relationships with children, full disclosure of adult conflicts should be avoided. Nicole Engel, a Berlin-based clinical psychologist, advises parents to follow the principle of providing as much truth as needed and as little emotional burden as possible. Children need to understand that the relationship has ended, that daily life will change, and that they bear no responsibility for the split. They are entitled to maintain positive feelings toward the ex-partner and are not required to take sides. Intimate details or derogatory comments about the ex should never be shared. Psychologists advise explaining separations honestly but age-appropriately. Children should know the relationship is over and that they are not responsible. Intimate details or negative talk about the ex-partner should be avoided unless there is violence or abuse, in which case safety must be prioritized. Blaming the ex ('He destroyed our family') is discouraged as it forces the child to pick a side. Instead, parents can state facts like 'He hurt me, so I don't want contact' without assigning blame. [1]
Experts distinguish clearly between normal information and harmful 'emotional parentification,' where a child is forced to regulate a parent's emotions. Warning signs include a child constantly checking if the parent is okay, hiding their own issues, feeling guilty about meeting the ex, or defending the parent against the ex. These children often appear mature and responsible, but this maturity comes at the cost of their own needs. Familiespsychologin Nina Grimm suggests a phrase to reclaim parental responsibility: 'Today I am sad. I will deal with it. You don't have to fix it for me.' The complex dynamics of separated families were highlighted by a recent encounter in New York City, where model Heidi Klum, her daughter Leni Klum (22), and Leni's father, Vito Schnabel (40), unexpectedly crossed paths. Klum appeared visibly stressed, while Schnabel looked tense. This real-life scenario raises common questions for co-parents about managing interactions and communicating with children about ex-partners they still admire. [1]
Grimm stresses that children are not parents' friends, regardless of their age. Boundaries must be maintained, especially regarding romantic matters. If a parent's mood affects the child, they should communicate their state without making the child responsible for fixing it. Furthermore, the bond between the child and the ex-partner must be treated as independent of the ex and current parent. Grimm notes that maintaining contact after separation is natural. A parent can validate their own difficulty while supporting the child's relationship: 'For me, it is currently hard to see him. But I am working on it. You are allowed to think highly of him, and if you want to meet, I will help you.' The New York encounter, where Klum and Schnabel maintained separate interactions, illustrates the need for clear role boundaries. Psychological experts warn against 'emotional parentification,' where children are burdened with resolving a parent's feelings about the ex. Experts recommend validating one's own hurt while ensuring the child knows they do not have to solve it. [1]
Nicole Engel advises that adults can express their hurt feelings to grown children without demanding they eliminate that pain. A recommended phrasing is: 'I want to be honest with you: It doesn't come easily to me that you still keep in touch. The separation hurt me. At the same time, I know your relationship with him is different from mine. I don't want you to have to choose between us.' This approach allows for emotional openness without guilt-tripping or emotional manipulation. [1]
Experts note that a child's loyalty to an ex-partner should never depend on rejecting someone who built a bond with them. Conversely, a parent must not deny their own hurtfulness simply to appear composed. The relationship between the child and the ex can continue independently, provided the parent handles it with personal development and support. [1]
Finding a balance between necessary truth and emotional protection is the primary goal when discussing broken relationships with children. [1]
The psychological insights provided are grounded in the expertise of clinical psychologist Nicole Engel, founder of Psychologicum Berlin, and family psychologist Nina Grimm. [1]
Nicole Engel is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist who established the Psychologicum Berlin institute. [1]
Berlin-based clinical psychologist Nicole Engel advocates for transparency without overexposure. She states, 'Children need honesty, but not full disclosure of all adult conflicts.' A good guideline is telling children only what is necessary and sparing them unnecessary emotional burdens. Children must understand the breakup is final, life will change, and they hold no responsibility for the divorce. Their feelings for the ex are valid, and they are not expected to take sides. Intimate details or insults toward the ex are not needed for the child to understand. [1]
N/A Engel clarifies that silence is not mandatory. If deception or infidelity occurred, parents should name it factually, for example, by saying, 'He hurt me, and therefore I do not wish for contact.' However, placing blame is detrimental. Phrases like 'He destroyed our family. You should know what he did to me' turn a simple piece of information into a demand for the child to take sides. Exceptions apply in cases of violence, abuse, or threats, where age-appropriate safety information is essential. [1]
Experts stress the importance of separating parental roles from friendship roles when dealing with ex-partners. [1]
Family psychologist Nina Grimm emphasizes the necessity of clear boundaries, noting that children are not friends to their parents. [1]
Nina Grimm is a family psychologist, author, and founder of the Institute for Mental Health. [1]
According to Nina Grimm, adults must strictly separate roles. Even as children grow older, they remain children, not confidants. If a romantic situation impacts the child, the parent should communicate the reality but remain in charge. For instance, a parent might say, 'I'm not doing well right now. That's why I have dark circles and lack the energy to go out. But I'm handling it. That isn't your job.' This maintains the parent's responsibility and protects the child from emotional overload. [1]
Experts discuss 'emotional parentification,' a phenomenon where a child takes on the adult role of regulating a parent's emotions. This often happens unconsciously out of necessity—such as when a mother feels lonely or heartbroken and the child is empathetic and available. [1]
Grimm identifies several red flags for emotional parentification: a child constantly asking how the parent is feeling, hiding their own problems, defending the parent against the ex, or experiencing guilt upon seeing the ex. 'What is particularly insidious is that these children often appear very mature and understanding,' Grimm explains. While they receive praise for their behavior, it is easily overlooked that they suppress their own needs. The key difference lies in whether the child listens freely or feels a heavy obligation to help. A corrective statement Grimm recommends is: 'Today I am sad. I'll take care of it. You don't have to solve that for me.' [1]
A clear distinction must be drawn between the ex-parent's relationship with the parent and the child's separate relationship with that ex. Both bonds are permitted to exist independently. [1]
Grimm affirms, 'The relationship between the child and the ex-partner should be handled as an independent entity. It can and should continue, even if I am currently hurt.' After a separation, cutting off contact initially is natural. However, parents can convey, 'It's difficult for me right now to see him. But I am working through it. You are allowed to think highly of him, and if you'd like to meet, I will help you.' She describes this balanced, supportive approach as 'personality development at level 25, definitely not a walk in the park, but absolutely worth it.' [1]
Navigating situations where adult children continue contact with a former step-parent. [1]
When adult children choose to maintain a relationship with a parent's ex, the parent is allowed to express how it makes them feel. The delivery is paramount. Engel suggests: 'I want to be honest with you: It doesn't come easily to me that you're still in touch. The separation hurt me. At the same time, I realize your relationship with him is different from mine. I don't want you to have to choose between us.' This demonstrates emotional transparency without appropriation. Vulnerability must be shown, but guilt-trips and emotional blackmail must be discarded. An adult child has the right to know a parent is hurt, but they are under no obligation to resolve that pain. [1]
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